


Mirror - (Jooheon × Minhyuk)

by smoshyphantrash



Series: Monsta X Imagines [7]
Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Aftercare, Depression, M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, minhyuk - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-01
Updated: 2018-05-01
Packaged: 2019-04-30 14:10:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,851
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14498724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/smoshyphantrash/pseuds/smoshyphantrash
Summary: Jooheon can't face the man in the mirror on the wall.





	Mirror - (Jooheon × Minhyuk)

Tw: Suicidal thoughts, suicide, anxiety, traumatic flashbacks

"Long time no see," I looked down at the bathroom counter. A shiny sliver of metal glared back at me. I hadn't thought about doing this in such a long time. Not since Minhyuk flushed all my blades down the toilet almost a year ago. I was almost a year clean. So, why all of a sudden did I want this? No one was home, I wasn't going to get caught immediately. Just one small slit. Not deep enough to see blood, just like a small paper cut. As soon as a settled on the one cut, I picked my location. I settled on my forearm, back by my elbow. One quickly turned into two, into four, into eight, into 16, into 32 and more. Once I hit eight, they became deeper and dragged down toward my wrists, never hitting my vein.

I dropped the blade on the countertop and looked down. There was so much blood on the counter. I shook my head, starting to cry. "Fuck," I mumbled. "Fuck!" I started getting really anxious, an attack just around the corner. "He's gonna find out, he's gonna see, he's gonna be disappointed, hate me, leave me. Fuck!" I punched the mirror in frustration, breaking it where my hand lied.

The front door opened downstairs. "Jooheon? I'm home, baby!" Fuck, he sounded so happy to be home. He's not going to be happy when he comes upstairs to see his boyfriend with cut and bloodied arms and a busted ass hand. But I was stuck, where could I go? "I brought you din-" I looked up at the mirror to see Minhyuk in the doorway looking at me, eyes fixed on my arms and the counter.

I cried out, holding my head down in shame. "I'm s-sorry!" I screamed out. "I don't know what's wrong with me, Minhyuk. I'm so sorry." I continued to cry but Minhyuk pulled me into a tight hug. "Let go! You'll get it all over your white shirt..."

Minhyuk shook his head, holding onto me tightly. "Damn the shirt," he said. Minhyuk turned on the sink, letting it heat up. "Blade?" He held his hand out for it. I looked on the counter and whimpered, realizing how much blood I actually lost. The blood was raised in a spot, showing the covered in crimson blade. I picked it up and handed it to him. I began shaking as I saw my blood on his hands. He didn't deserve this. Minhyuk ran the blade under the running water then looked at it. "Thank you for using a clean blade this time." I nodded a bit, not knowing what to do. "Arms out," Minhyuk sighed. 

I shook my head. "No, please..." I tried to pull my arms away from him but he tightened his grip.

"The quicker I wash them, the quicker I disinfect them, the quicker I wrap them and the quicker you can go to sleep..." He said, soothingly. "I know you're scared, baby. I know you're tired too. Let me finish and take you to bed." Biting my lip, I reluctantly nodded. "Thank you, baby," Minhyuk kissed my cheek, taking my arms under the water, washing them gently. I closed my eyes, laying my head back on Minhyuk's shoulder. He continued to cuddle up to me as he washed the cuts and kissed my neck to calm me down. It got me to breathe more evenly. "Alright," Minhyuk grabbed a towel and dried my arms. "Go to our room." I nodded, leaving him in the bathroom. It was as hard walk down the hall, honestly. My anxiety was rising, making my legs unstable. I finally made it to our room and plopped down on the bed, energy depleted.

I bit my lip, trying to hold back my tears. "God, you deserve so much better than this..." I hated myself for this. I hated everything about myself. Minhyuk didn't deserve to deal with me. 

Minhyuk came into the room with a first aid kit. "Arms out," he said, uncapping a spray can. I hated this part the most. The disinfectant. I sat up, holding my arms up. "Three, two... One." As soon as the liquid touched my skin I cried out again. "I'm sorry, almost done."  Within a few seconds, Minhyuk stopped and threw the can on the bed. He placed gauzes on my arms before wrapping them up. He took the first aid kit and put it on the dresser. "Come here," Minhyuk mumbled, sitting on the bed with me. He pulled me into his lap, hugging me tightly.

"I'm so sorry!" I screamed out. "I love you so much, I'm sorry! You don't deserve this, I'm sorry." I couldn't stop crying. I just felt shitty. Minhyuk didn't deserve me. He just didn't. He met me in a bar, fucked up in so many ways.

Minhyuk shook his head, tightening his hug on me. "No, stop apologizing. You're okay. Ten months. Ten months, that's the longest you've ever made it since you started. You've done amazing so far and you had a relapse." I shook my head. "Baby, look at me." Minhyuk pulled away, holding my face in his hands. I opened my eyes and looked at him through blurred, teary eyed vision. "I'm not mad at you. I don't hate you. I'm not leaving you. We'll get through this." He returned to the hug and rocked me to sleep. I didn't have the energy to fight him.  But I knew we wouldn't get through this. I just knew.

The next month, Minhyuk found me unconscious in the kitchen. I tried to kill myself for the third time. He didn't bat an eyelash. He just carried on as if this was normal. This wasn't normal. I began having dreams of ending it. It'd start with a fight. It'd end with my death. Everything between was hazy.

One day, we had a huge blow out fight. This was it. This was my time. "Jooheon?" Minhyuk came in, looking for me. I was packing a bag. "What's going on?"

I sniffled, throwing things in the bag. "I'm leaving," I said, not looking up. "I-I have to go. Uhm... I started talking to Changkyun again and he figured out where I am and I've got to go." I tossed my phone to Minhyuk.

"What do you mean?" He asked, looking at my messages. Changkyun started with taunting me about our past. He started with the night he took me out to the bar and then used me and broke up with me, the night I met Minhyuk. "If it wasn't for me, you'd never be with him. You owe me. I'm on the way?" Minhyuk read the message. "Jooheon, he's bluffing. He's not coming here. You're safe, baby. I promise." I shook my head.

Once I slung my bag over my shoulder, I walked up to Minhyuk, kissing him softly. "Bye, love... I'll be back." I grabbed my phone from him and left, jumping in my car. The tears began to fall immediately. I just lied to him. I'm not coming back.

My first stop? I drove to Changkyun's apartment. "Oh, you came back?" he asked as I pulled up to his complex.

I jumped out of the car, breathless. I was crying so much on the way over to the point of no more tears. "Why?" I asked. "Why did you use me and throw me away like that?"

Changkyun sighed, standing up. "I don't know," he said as he put his hands in his pockets. "It was fun for a bit. You wouldn't be happy with me." That was obvious.

"No shit, Sherlock..." I sighed. "But what would you know about a bastard like me? I'm no happier without you than I was with you. And I'm going away for a while..." I began walking up to him on the steps of his apartment. "Let me at least make you happy." I leaned forward and kissed him roughly. I didn't want sex, I just wanted to have a moment with the people I once loved. Both of them.

Changkyun pushed me away. "Stop," he said. "I don't know what you're doing, but what do you mean going away?" He asked.

I shook my head. "Forget about it." I turned around and got back in my car. "I love you, Changkyun. I always did." Without hesitation, I revved up the engine and pulled out of his apartment complex.

An hour later, I found myself climbing onto the ledge of a bridge. This was it, finally. At least, that's what I though until bright headlights showed off my silhouette to any bystanders. "Goddamn it..." I mumbled. Both front doors opened, revealing a Minhyuk and a Changkyun coming out from the beams. Why would Changkyun care?

"Jooheon!" Minhyuk yelled. "Please, don't baby... I love you please, it'll get better." He said, panic coming to stay with him.

I shook my head. "I stopped believing that bullshit a while ago. You should do the same." Changkyun and Minhyuk came closer to me, trying to save me.

I kicked a foot out, losing a bit of balance. "Oh God!" Minhyuk screamed, "No!"

I shrugged softly. "Don't come any closer. I'll do it, I swear to God I'll do it." I looked dead at Changkyun. "What are you doing here? Is this fun to watch too?" I asked.

Changkyun shook his head. "Don't do this... He loves you. I called him."

I scoffed. "Of course you would. I'm trying to kill myself here and you ruin that too. Fucking get back in that car and drive away. I'm not coming down. I've had enough of this life. I'm done with it. Let me die." I looked down at the water. I gulped turning around to the best of my abilities as if I was going to climb back over.

"Jooheon, baby please. Come back here." Minhyuk smiled as he saw me turn around. "That's it, climb back."

I shook my head. "I just can't stand to watch the water," I mumbled.

Changkyun and Minhyuk tried to take another step toward me. "Please. Don't." Minhyuk was a mess. I didn't want him to see Mr like this anymore.

"I love you, I'm so sorry..." With that, I let go of the pole, falling back off of the ledge, closing my eyes.

Minhyuk let out a scream so inhuman for him to make. "Joohein! Oh my fucking God, someone save him, please! Oh my God, no! No! Oh God, he was right there, why didn't we fucking catch him? No! Oh my God, my baby! No! He didn't just do it. Changkyun, you can get him. Please, go fucking get him!" Minhyuk continued to scream and cry untik everything faded away into nothingness.

The mirror on the wall was my only friend, through my rise and my friend until my fall. I couldn't face that man again. He scared me. He hurt the man he loved every time he broke. That man was gone. I was gone.


End file.
